


stay with me

by megatronn



Series: EXR LESBIAN INDIAN WITCHES AU [2]
Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Race Changes, Angst, But the ending isn't too sad, Depression, F/F, Fluff, I don't know how to tag it, Not really fluff per se, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, there is also a bit of body shaming?, where Grantaire is ashamed of her own body
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 13:16:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6080787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megatronn/pseuds/megatronn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grantaire goes into depression. Enjolras is <em>here</em> and it still sucks, but it feels better than being alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stay with me

**Author's Note:**

> Um, I think anything that people would need a warning for would be in the tags but if there is anything else, just let me know!  
> Oh yes, also, also, can be read as a stand alone!  
> It's not really a full story, just a fragment, or you know, a time stamp? I don't know what to call it, but it's a short, about Grantaire's depressive episodes set in the same universe as counterspell. So yea. :D
> 
> As always, critiques are welcome.

 There is a mini fridge filler with bottles of _Old Monk_ and coke, Grantaire thanks her blessed foresight to have had this installed even though she was supposed to have quite drinking ten months ago.

 Ten months to the fucking day.

 Everything is so spectacularly wrong with her. The world is cold and her fingers are getting numb and she doesn’t think she can _feel_.

 Trying to figure out what could have caused it is fucking useless, because nothing ever really _causes_ it and because it doesn’t _fucking_   _matter_. Not when she feels like shit, and she threw up in the toilet this morning when she saw her face in the mirror.

 There’s a knock on her bedroom door when she’s on her fourth glass of rum and coke, having shifted to using the empty bottle of coke, since it’s so much easier, and there’s more _volume_. She’s buzzed enough to not bother responding, even when she recognizes the tendrils of Enjolras’ magic.

 The door opens enough so Enjolras can pop her head inside, and Grantaire can’t help her laugh, the way it comes out so deformed and ugly. Grantaire remembers now why she had such long bouts of never laughing.

 ‘Grantaire?’ a pause and a sniff, ‘Grantaire are you _drinking_?’ she asks, and there is incredulity there, but not the disappointment she expected, which is strange, but it still annoys her.

 ‘Get the fuck out.’ Grantaire can be nastier than she likes to admit when she's having bad days. The guilt she feels because of it afterwards then leads to another one of her fucking _episodes_. The cycle is fucking ridiculous; this whole thing is fucking ridiculous.

 ‘ _Oh_ _Grantaire_ ,’ the pity is so much fucking worse, or sadness, is it sadness? Grantaire can’t even tell anymore. ‘Enjolras, can you please get the fuck out of my room.’ She says again, expecting Enjolras to flinch, hoping and dreading that Enjolras will get annoyed and walk the fuck out. Instead, Enjolras steps inside, shutting the door and locking it behind her. 

 Grantaire can almost see it, when Enjolras drops her magic, tendril by tendril, when she goes from being blind with magic, to being blind _without_ magic. It’s a beautiful thing to watch, she has never seen Enjolras so unsure of herself or her feet so unsteady.

 ‘What the fuck are you playing at?’ she says, there is a mean edge to her voice she doesn’t like, but god its so dark, and Enjolras is so irritating, so fucking bright, she wishes Enjolras would just fucking turn _off_. Enjolras who continues walking, towards her with her arms stretched out, it looks almost comical, and it would be, if the situation were different. Enjolras’ knees knock on the bed and she sits down at the edge of it, right next to Grantaire, so close that R can feel the heat coming of off her body.

 The thin cotton of her kurta doing nothing to hide the perspiration under her armpits, how her skin shines from the exertion of casting, or the beads of sweat on her neck that Grantaire would normally want to _lick_ , but not _today_. Today, she just wants Enjolras to go the fuck away.

 ‘It’s nice sometimes, not to have your guard up all the time. I’ve always used magic as a crutch, and I have to practice, you know. To be blind without magic. And I can only ever do this around friends. We _are_ friends Grantaire, I wouldn’t ever have my guard down around anyone who meant less.’

 Friends, huh, that _is_ what they are. That is what they have always been. Sometimes she forgets, she thinks amusedly, taking another swig of the bottle as she watches Enjolras crawl towards the headboard, and lean against it.

 Spreading her legs wide, and _what_ , _what is happening_ , is this supposed to be some kind of a fucked up invitation?

 ‘Come here R.’ she says patting the space between her legs, leaning back against the headboard to get more comfortable.

 ‘I’m not a fucking dog.’

 ‘Come _here_ , Grantaire.’ This, Grantaire thinks, is a recurring theme in here life, because she leaves the bottle on the floor and goes. The worst part, the worst part is that Enjolras never has to force her, Grantaire never feels the magic, Enjolras, who values people’s autonomy too much to ever do something like that.

 Oh, how Grantaire hates her for this now.

 She wonders if the use of magic would make her feel like less of a fucking doormat when it comes to Enjolras. The rational part of her brain knows that she has never actually felt this way.

 She doesn’t really know what to expect, but Enjolras makes her turn around, lean her back to Enjolras’ chest. Oh god, this is going to be so uncomfortable.

 Surprisingly, it isn’t, Enjolras’ hand settles across her stomach, the other stroking her head, it’s a bit awkward, but not, not entirely uncomfortable.

 ‘I will crush you, my angel.’ She says, because she can’t help it, she’s fat, she knows this, and she has never been ashamed of her body, the depressive episodes though, make her wish she could crawl out of her skin, everything itches so, so terribly. Enjolras, on the other hand, is supple, and strong, slim yes, and much taller than her, but she can feel the muscles in the hand that holds her still.

 Tightening as though afraid she is going to pull away. And Grantaire wanted, Grantaire _wanted_ to pull away.

 The ‘Shut _up_ ,’ accompanied by a kiss to the forehead is nice, it feels nice, but everything is still so bleak. Grantaire wants to cry, wants to scream, wants to laugh hysterically until this just goes away. What she’d love to do though, is drink, and drink, and maybe curl up in a ball and sleep until this all disappears.

 Until she can look at herself in the mirror again.

 Enjolras is a warm weight below her, soft, comfortable, and Grantaire thinks, that just for now, maybe she will forgo the drinking.

**Author's Note:**

> I had to do a bit of research to find out what depression was like, and I don't know if I have caught the essence of it, but I hope I have. 
> 
> Also, one of the pages I read said if one is having a depressive episode, you should do something that makes you feel nice? And I think Grantaire is the type of person to whom physical affection is very important, and it makes her feel good, so you know, I figure in all the time that they've known each other, this has probably happened before. 
> 
> ALSO GUYS this [HERE](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_Monk) is _Old Monk_. It's an Indian rum that I really love. Most people I know generally mix it first, with coke and stuff. You do also have it neat though, so I really don't know why I added the coke in there, but oh well. :3 
> 
> Anyway, that's about it, thank you so much for reading!


End file.
